All marriages, even happy marriages, go through rough patches. But are your marital issues something you can overcome together or are you headed for catastrophe? Let’s look at three warning signs your marriage is in trouble and how to address them, so you can have an invincible marriage.
As a Navy SEAL, Jason and his wife Erica have faced more than a few challenges in building an invincible marriage over the last twenty years. Our journey began with a lie—a seemingly harmless cover story that almost derailed our relationship before it truly began.
Through our experiences and the lessons we’ve learned, we’ve identified three warning signs of a troubled marriage: No Time, No Talk, and No Trust. These three elements are common signs of an unhappy marriage because they always mask deeper issues and can lead to a dysfunctional marriage.
So how do you counter these signs? Friendship. It’s how you build a strong foundation.
You might think about friendship as a death knell for romantic relationships, especially if you’ve heard “Let’s just be friends” in a breakup. But marriages not founded on friendship fail. We’ve weathered many rough seasons in our marriage. After all, we’d always heard that Navy SEAL marriages have a 90% divorce rate (which while it might not be an official statistic, felt true especially during high tempo combat deployments). But we’ve created an invincible marriage with friendship as the bedrock, and you can too.
Let’s look first at the three signs your marriage is in trouble.
No Time: The Disappearing Act
In our fast-paced world, it’s easy for couples to fall into separate lives, not seeing each other regularly outside collapsing at the end of the night. Careers, children, busy schedules, financial stress, health concerns, and other commitments can eat away at quality time together, leaving little opportunity for emotional connection.
If you’re spending less than an hour of uninterrupted quality time together per week, prioritizing your busy lives over time together, you won’t have a healthy marriage.
Time is the one resource you can’t create, you can’t purchase, you can’t replace, and that is why when you choose to spend quality time together, it is an act that communicates commitment. Time is one way to tangibly communicate that you are committed to the marriage and to nurture your friendship.
The dangers of No Time to your marriage:
- Partners living separate lives
- Shared experiences and memories become rare
- The emotional connect weakens from lack of nurturing
As a Navy SEAL, Jason’s demanding schedule and frequent deployments meant we had to be intentional about carving out time together. We learned that even small moments of connection could make a big difference.
When you carve out that time together, do meaningful activities that create shared memories. Jason loves to ski and wanted to share it with Erica and our kids. Erica wasn’t convinced the first time we went as a family, but she reluctantly agreed because she knew how much Jay loved it.
He was patient while Erica braved ski lessons. If you want your spouse to learn to do something you like, then you have to adjust your expectations. It takes time to learn something new, and if your partner’s trying an activity you love, try to put yourself in their shoes (or skis!).
Good friends make time for each other, no matter how busy life gets. In marriage, this means prioritizing regular date nights or activities you both enjoy, being fully present during the time you do have, making eye contact, and avoiding distractions like phones.
Words and verbal commitment aren’t enough—it needs to be backed up by actions. If one or both partners are not actively showing your commitment to the relationship or consistently spending time with your spouse, you may have a troubled marriage.
Marital commitment isn’t just about staying together—it’s about actively choosing to invest time in your relationship. Even during Jason’s busiest periods, we found ways to stay connected, whether through quick phone calls or leaving notes for each other. When we do have more time, we concentrate on making memories that strengthen our bond.
No Talk: The Communication Breakdown
In many troubled marriages, communication slowly erodes until partners barely speak about anything meaningful. This breakdown can start subtly. You get busy and find you haven’t connected.
Maybe it starts with small omissions or white lies that seem inconsequential at the time as you try to keep the peace. But lack of communication is a symptom of an unhappy marriage. Couples in crisis stop talking (or only communicate to coordinate schedules or fight) and quickly find they have a lack of intimacy.
The danger of No Talk in a marriage:
- Emotional distance grows as partners stop sharing their thoughts and feelings
- Misunderstandings become more frequent and harder to resolve
- Resentment can build while unaddressed issues fester
When we first met, Jason was using a cover story to protect his identity as a Navy SEAL. While this lie was born out of operational necessity, it created a barrier between us. As our relationship deepened, the weight of this secret grew heavier.
It meant every conversation we had about his work was missing a core truth about his identity: his military career was his dream, and not talking about it would have eventually destroyed our relationship.
If you’re holding back, not communicating with each other, you’re missing out on the connection and intimacy that bleeds into every aspect of your relationship.
True friends share openly and honestly with each other. By approaching your marriage with this mindset, you’ll practice vulnerability by sharing your fears, hopes, and dreams with your most important friend. Create a safe space for open dialogue without judgment. Actively listen to your partner’s perspective, even when it’s difficult.
Relationship vulnerability is key to breaking down communication barriers. When Jason finally revealed the truth about his Navy SEAL status, it was a risk—but one that ultimately strengthened our bond.
No Trust: The Foundation Cracks
Trust is the bedrock of any strong relationship. When it’s compromised, whether through big betrayals or small repeated letdowns, the entire marriage feels shaky. When you hide part of yourself, don’t communicate your needs, or aren’t honest, it shows a lack of trust and intimate connection, resulting in a bad marriage.
The danger of No Trust in a marriage:
- Partners become guarded and less willing to be vulnerable
- Suspicion and doubt creep into everyday interactions
- The sense of security in a marriage erodes
The initial lie about Jason’s profession could have seriously damaged the trust in our relationship. Rebuilding that trust required honesty, consistency, and a commitment to transparency moving forward. For us, it meant Jason being completely honest about the challenges of life as a Navy SEAL. For Erica, it meant not bottling up her feelings about being a SEAL partner and spouse, and it took both of us committing to face those challenges together.
Genuine friendship outlasts every season and every crisis when it is grounded in mutual trust. Vulnerability and trust are essential for healthy relationships. To restore trust:
- Be consistent in your words and actions
- Own up to mistakes quickly and sincerely
- Show your partner you have their best interests at heart, even when it’s challenging
How vulnerable do you allow yourself to be with your spouse? Friendship, vulnerability, and active commitment are foundational elements of a strong marriage.
An invincible marriage requires an ironclad commitment to the partnership. Building marital trust is an ongoing process. Vulnerability is an investment that pays off exponentially because that honesty is how you practice and strengthen trust. And trust is what will deepen your friendship and marriage.
Invincible Marriage Challenge
Which warning sign is most threatening your marriage today? Time, Talk, or Trust? How can you take one small step in that area to restore your friendship?
Have you been too busy at work or home to make time together? Set apart an hour to do something fun.
Do you feel like you don’t talk anymore about anything besides the kids or household schedule? Start texting each other a quick memory from earlier in your relationship or go on a date where you talk about anything but your usual household chatter.
Maybe trust is lacking. Take the time to have the hard conversations about how to restore honesty and vulnerability in your relationship. It might mean making a small commitment and keeping it each week, from a date night to some other pocket of time you set aside just for each other.
An invincible marriage begins with friendship which means time, communication, and trust. Even small strides forward that prioritize each other can begin to lay the foundation for your invincible marriage and bring you back together.
