Most people readily admit that healthy communication is an important part of any successful relationship, especially in happy marriages. But why are we so terrible at it? Here are some of the most common communication breakdowns in marriage and the one thing you can change to improve it.

Sarah and Mike, married for five years, both had demanding jobs that often left them stressed and irritable. One evening, their dinner conversation quickly spiraled into an argument.

Sarah: “I can’t believe you forgot to pick up the dry cleaning again. I reminded you this morning!”

Mike (rolling his eyes): “Oh, here we go again. You always have to nag about something, don’t you?”

Sarah: “I wouldn’t have to nag if you’d just do what you say you’re going to do!”

Mike: “I’ve been swamped at work. You have no idea how much pressure I’m under!”

Sarah: “Oh, poor you. Because I just sit around eating bonbons all day, right?”

Mike: “You know what? I’m done with this conversation. You clearly don’t appreciate anything I do around here.”

Sarah: “Fine! Walk away like you always do when things get tough!”

Mike stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind him.

Communication problems in marriage come from a lot of different sources. But more often than not, the real problem is that you think you’re talking about one thing (the dry cleaning) when the underlying issue is actually the real conversation.

And too many couples never address the real conversation. Let us show you what we mean.

What causes poor communication in marriage?

Common communication issues for married couples include disrespect, defensiveness, making assumptions, and uncontrolled anger. These issues in marriage often stem from insecurity, selfishness, or long-held poor communication patterns, and can significantly destroy effective communication between partners.

Let’s look back at Mike and Sarah’s short exchange to see what’s happening beneath the surface.

• Disrespect: Mike used negative nonverbal communication with his eye-rolling and Sarah showed passive-aggressiveness through her sarcasm. Both unhealthy responses show contempt for each other.
• Defensiveness: Mike immediately became defensive about his workload instead of acknowledging his mistake.
• Assumptions: Sarah assumes Mike doesn’t value her reminders, while Mike assumes Sarah doesn’t appreciate his contributions.
• Anger: Both partners let their emotions escalate, leading to raised voices and ultimately, Mike walking out.
• Lack of appreciation: Neither partner acknowledges any positive aspects of their relationship or each other’s efforts.
• Poor perspective: Sarah and Mike turned a relatively minor issue (forgotten dry cleaning) into a major argument, losing sight of the bigger picture of their relationship.

This interaction demonstrates how communication busters can quickly derail a conversation and create distance between partners, turning small irritations into bigger relationship issues.

Mike and Sarah may be talking about dry cleaning, but they are hearing each other’s disrespect and disregard for one another. If most discussions go this way day in and day out, they’re in trouble.

The Wrong Goal

Most of us think the goal of communication between spouses is to get the other person to listen to us, to get them to do what we want. Then we’re surprised when we’re talking at each other instead of to each other.

Instead of working together to solve the problem and strengthen their relationship, Sarah and Mike allowed these communication pitfalls to create distance between them. Their failure to use  effective communication strategies, such as active listening, showing respect, and maintaining perspective, turned a simple reminder about dry cleaning into a heated argument that left both of them feeling frustrated and misunderstood.

What’s the Right Goal?

One of the most valuable relationship tips we’ve learned is that the goal of communication is to make our marriage stronger.

Let us say that again: the goal of communication is to make US stronger as a team.

How can you make your marriage stronger with healthy communication? You listen to understand—not to respond. You empathize to create an emotional connection. You’re curious and ask questions that show you care about each other.

Too often, people get stuck on the wrong goal when communicating in their marriage. Instead of aiming to make their marriage stronger by finding common ground, they focus on winning arguments, proving themselves right, or maintaining control of the conversation.

This misguided approach leads to defensiveness, contempt, and a breakdown in understanding, ultimately weakening the relationship rather than strengthening it. When couples forget that the real goal of communication is to build a stronger marriage through respectful understanding, they miss opportunities for growth and deeper connection, instead falling into patterns that erode trust and intimacy over time.

How the best teams communicate

On a SEAL team, communication skills can be the difference between life or death, so yeah, we practice, we prioritize, and we’re persistent in making sure we’re as clear as we can be.In our marriage, it’s no different. You can’t avoid conversations in difficult times and become stronger as a team. You can’t allow poor communication, like disrespecting your partner through contemptuous words or gestures, responding defensively to every concern, making unfounded assumptions about your spouse’s intentions, or letting uncontrolled anger dictate your interactions.

These communication busters create barriers that prevent you from working together effectively. Instead, you need to prioritize full respect for each other, show genuine appreciation for your partner’s efforts, and maintain perspective on the challenges you face.

By focusing on communication boosters, you can build a foundation of trust and understanding that allows you to tackle any issue as a united front, just like a well-coordinated SEAL team facing a high-stakes mission.

Better Communication First Steps

Commit to communication styles that create a healthier marriage. If your goal is to make your marriage stronger, you aren’t going to put down your spouse. You won’t be buried in your phone while they’re trying to talk to you, and you’re not going to ignore each other.

Successful marriages depend on better, more effective communication throughout the day, not just in tough conversations. What does that look like?

Daily check-ins: How are you making time to check in with each other each day? To really see and listen to each other?

Daily check-ins tell your spouse you care and they’re essential for maintaining strong communication in a marriage.

At minimum, couples should intentionally make time each day to connect about topics unrelated to household management, sharing experiences, challenges, and joys from their day to foster a culture of open communication and maintain their connection as partners, not just roommates.

Practice in everyday, low-stakes interactions. Build a foundation of mutual respect, active listening, and genuine appreciation in your daily check-ins.

When those tougher conversations come up, work on avoiding communication busters like disrespect, defensiveness, assumptions, and uncontrolled anger.

Instead, focus on communication boosters such as showing full respect, expressing honest appreciation, and maintaining perspective. By consistently applying these skills in your daily interactions, you’ll be better equipped to handle more challenging discussions when they arise, approaching them with the shared goal of strengthening your marriage rather than winning arguments.

How would it look if Sarah and Mike prioritized effective communication?

Sarah: “Mike, I noticed the dry cleaning wasn’t picked up today. I know you’ve been really busy at work lately. Is everything okay?”

Mike: “You’re right, I completely forgot. I’m sorry about that. Work has been intense this week.”

Sarah: “Is there anything I can do to help you manage your workload?”

Mike: “Thanks for offering. Actually, it would be great if you could remind me again on days when I need to run errands.”

Sarah: “Of course, I’m happy to help. We’re a team. I appreciate how hard you’ve been working to provide for our family.”

Mike: “Thank you for understanding. I’m grateful for all you do too. How about we pick up the dry cleaning together tomorrow and then grab dinner out?”

Sarah: “That sounds good. It’ll be nice to spend some time together.”

This time around, Sarah and Mike used healthy responses and showed stellar communication skills:

• Full Respect: They speak to each other as equals and value each other’s perspectives.
• Appreciation: They acknowledge each other’s efforts and contributions.
• Perspective: They recognize that forgotten dry cleaning isn’t a major issue in the grand scheme of things.
• Teamwork: They offer support and work together to find solutions.
• Positive communication: They listen actively, express themselves clearly, and avoid assumptions or defensiveness.

By using communication boosters, Sarah and Mike turn a potential argument into an opportunity to strengthen their bond and create a happier relationship by solving problems together.

If their exchange sounds like a fantasy, it may be that you’ve been stuck in unhealthy communication loops so long you can’t imagine getting through to each other in another way. Trust us, it can be done. You can build an invincible marriage when you focus on caring for each other first. 

Communication busters in marriages destroy effective communication. By shifting the goal from winning an argument to strengthening our marriage, we’ve tackled communication challenges as a team, improving our marital satisfaction over time.

In a healthy relationship, we both show full respect to each other with genuine gratitude. If you’ve been stuck in negative communication loops, start by noticing the ways you’re disrespecting each other and commit to root out those poor communication habits to make your marriage truly invincible.