If your marriage has felt more like an obstacle than an asset, it’s time to get to work. You don’t have to continue ineffective and potentially harmful cycles. If you want to know how to fix a relationship, you have to begin with understanding the enemy.
As a Navy SEAL, Jason has spent countless hours in training and combat, studying the enemy, their tactics, and learning how to evade and destroy their capabilities.
But did you know SEALs spend time specifically training on how to avoid attacking each other too? A battle zone can be chaotic with only seconds to determine if the weapon facing you is friendly or enemy. That decision can mean life or death. SEAL teams know it, and they train for it.
Some of the most devastating losses in war are friendly fire incidents where miscommunication or mistakes lead to death. We cannot afford to take out our own team members.
In a marriage conflict, when you make your spouse the enemy, you’ve already lost. Anything you hurl at each other is friendly fire and can destroy your marriage as quickly as a round of live fire on the battlefield.
Just as warriors learn to engage threats without harming their own teammates, couples need to develop skills to navigate disagreements without inflicting lasting damage on their romantic relationship. Your spouse is not the enemy. Whatever is standing between you and your spouse becoming a stronger team, that is the enemy, and you have to tackle it together to fix your relationship.
Is Conflict a Battle or an Opportunity?
To fix your marriage, you’re going to have to face conflict. But it doesn’t have to destroy you if you’re on the same team as your spouse.
Instead of avoiding difficult emotions and fearing inevitable rough patches, we’ve committed to a perspective shift for our relationship issues:
Healthy conflict is an opportunity to strengthen our bond rather than a battle to be won.
We’ve learned to take potentially divisive moments and turn them into moments of growth and emotional connection. Conflict is inevitable, so learning to fight fair, and on the same team, is essential for building an invincible marriage.
Just as SEAL teams train to assess threats quickly and protect their teammates in close-quarters combat, we’ve developed de-escalation strategies to engage in conflict as romantic partners without causing permanent damage to our long-term relationship.
By viewing challenges as something we face together, we’ve created a supportive environment for honest communication, rather than fueling underlying issues that inevitably erupt later. We’ve learned that conflict, when approached as a team, can actually reveal where we need to grow and ultimately make our marriage more resilient. Your spouse is not the enemy—you’re in this together, fighting side by side against whatever life throws your way.
Rules of Engagement for Healthy Conflict in Our Marriage
Drawing from military experience, we’ve established clear Rules of Engagement for handling conflict in our marriage. Just as we had guidelines for using force in combat, we’ve created guardrails to protect our relationship during disagreements. In addition to remembering that we’re on the same team, our healthy relationship rules of engagement are:
- No ultimatums: We never make demands that shut down discussion or threaten our relationship. We don’t throw around words like “divorce” or say things like “Do this or I’m out.” It’s a fast track to a damaged relationship.
- No name-calling: We absolutely refuse to engage in these abusive behaviors of hurtful labels or personal attacks. We’ve learned these unhealthy behaviors can be deeply damaging and linger long after the conflict is over, and the healing process can be long.
- No digs at the past: We focus on the current issue without spending time bringing up old, resolved conflicts. We avoid phrases like “You always…” or “You never…” and deal with the problem we’re experiencing right now.
These rules help us prevent “friendly fire” in our relationship—actions that would wound each other and damage our connection. By establishing and following these guidelines, we can engage in productive conflict resolution while protecting the most important team we’ll ever be a part of.
Human relationships are unique. As a couple, you need to discuss your own rules to support a loving relationship. The goal is to face conflicts as a team, remembering that you’re on the same side, rather than treating your spouse as the enemy. For us, these rules have been crucial in maintaining respect and care for each other in a mutually fulfilling relationship, even during our fiercest disagreements.
STOP Conflict in Its Tracks: Our Communication Hacks
Once you have your rules of engagement, you might need some specific help navigating conflict as you fix your relationship. In our marriage, we’ve learned to STOP conflict in its tracks using effective communication patterns, like SEALS do. Here’s how we break it down:
S – Specific: We focus on the immediate problem, avoiding generalizations. We describe specific actions, use “I” statements to explain our feelings, and invite further discussion.
T – Track understanding: We actively listen to each other, making sure we fully understand our partner’s concerns. We ask questions if needed and acknowledge each other’s perspectives, even if we don’t agree.
O – Ownership and repair: We take responsibility for our part in the problem, apologizing if necessary. We start with our own actions rather than pointing fingers at our spouse.
P – Plan and take action together: We work together to find solutions, brainstorming ideas and setting new boundaries if needed. We commit to resolving issues as a team, even if it takes multiple conversations.
By using this STOP method, we avoid misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and damaging attacks we can’t take back. It helps us address conflicts constructively, turning disagreements into opportunities to become relationship heroes.
We’ve found these strategies have been invaluable in managing conflict and building a more fulfilling relationship. We encourage other couples to adapt these strategies to their own loving relationships, creating a framework that allows them to face challenges together as an invincible team.
Never Stop Learning How to Build a Loving Relationship
Even successful relationships experience conflict. Apply these principles to your own marriage and see how they can transform not only broken relationships, but successful relationships, too.
Start by carving out quality time together to discuss your own “Rules of Engagement.” What are the boundaries you want to set to protect your relationship during disagreements? The next time you face a conflict, practice using our STOP method. Be Specific about the issue, Track each other’s understanding, take Ownership of your part, and work together to Plan a solution.Remember, you’re on the same team. Try viewing your next disagreement not as a battle against each other, or a problem you’re facing alone, but as a challenge you’re solving together. We’ve found that this major perspective shift is the difference between unhappy relationships and an invincible marriage that lasts.
